


Testing 123

by postjentacular



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Epistolary, H/D Fan Fair 2019, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Humor, M/M, Secondary Theme: Pottermore Fair, Sex Toy Tester Draco Malfoy, Sex Toys, Slightly Smutty, Unconventional Format, WWW Product Tester Draco Malfoy, WWW Quality Assurance Manager Harry Potter, Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2020-10-19 05:43:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20652140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/postjentacular/pseuds/postjentacular
Summary: Epistolary story with a humorous core. 4 and 7/100 thousand words. Slightly smutty.





	Testing 123

**Author's Note:**

> For [ Prompt 129](https://docs.google.com/document/d/16er_sVwwFtbVQxtiFqHRWhw09kwNYhywsB-R48qtVPU): unusual careers + measurements.  
Best viewed with Creator's style on.  
Beta'd by K (many anonymous gifts to you, you lovely)

**WANT TO GET THE LATEST WEASLEYS' WIZARD WHEEZES' MERCHANDISE BEFORE IT HITS THE SHELVES?**

When you become a WWW Product Tester you’ll get your hands on our newest toys and earn cash at the same time. You’ll get rewarded for your opinions and feedback, as well as having tons of fun with the latest crazes before all your friends.

★ No experience necessary!

★ Anonymity guaranteed!

Please note all applicants must be of age. Verification of age will be carried out before commencement of employment. For more information owl: Quality Assurance Manager, Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes, Diagon Alley, London

Dear Future Employee,

Thank you for your interest in becoming a Product Tester for Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes’ line of adult toys. Here at WWW we take your security, safety, and privacy extremely seriously. We understand that — even in this day in age — a wix’s sexual preferences can be deeply personal and so through the exclusive, licensed use of the patented _Celare_ Charm1 we can ensure that you, and only you, can give your full honest feedback regarding our intimate products without risk of disclosing any of your identifiable information. The details of the in-house WWW staff who manage our pre-production adult line are likewise protected under the _Celare _Charm, alongside our standard non-disclosure agreement, preventing them from discussion of both identifiable and anonymised Product Testers’ details without your express permission. 

As a WWW Product Tester, we want to ensure not only that you’re recompensed fairly for the important work that you do for us, but that your comfort and security is maintained. Therefore we have enclosed a form for you to indicate your preferences and comfort levels with adult-orientated themes to allow us to match our prototypes to your desires. 

Our full terms and conditions are included with your contact; once we receive your magically bound contract, completed preferences form, and details of any allergies, your first prototype will be with you within the week.

Yours faithfully,

█████ ██████

Quality Assurance Manager  
Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes

1The _Celare _Charm is used under licence from PPP Charms Ltd. Details of Ministerial approval for commercial use and results of independent testing of the _Celare_ Charm are available on request from Mses Patil and Patil, Owl Box 249, Hogsmeade Village.

█████ ██████  
██████ █████  
██████ 

26th September 2006

Quality Assurance Manager  
Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes  
Diagon Alley  
London

Dear Quality Assurance Manager,

EMPLOYMENT AS WEASLEYS’ WIZARD WHEEZES PRODUCT TESTER

I accept your employment offer. Find enclosed signed and bound contract, age verification, and completed preferences form. 

I declare I have no known allergies.

Yours faithfully,

_Tester #394_1

Encl. (3)

1Signatory anonymised through _Celare _Charm under licence from PPP Charms Ltd

Welcome aboard Tester #394!

We're delighted to have you join the WWW family.

The first product we've specially selected for you is enclosed with this package. Don't be alarmed by the small size! All of our prototypes are packed in unmarked boxes lined with an undetectable extension charm, so your neighbours don't raise their eyebrows and our owls don't get worn out. Once you've tested it to its limit, simply owl us your feedback.

Your remuneration will be transferred to your nominated Gringotts account within one working day of receipt of your review. If you have requested payment to a muggle bank or building society, payments can take up to five working days to clear due to muggles' strict anti-money laundering regulations which, unfortunately, we have no control over.

Remember you can opt out of reviewing this, or any of our fantastic products at any time; just drop us an owl and we'll handle it all from there.

We hope you enjoy your first product and we look forward to your review.

Kind Regards

Quality Assurance Manager  
Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes

**Tester: **#394

**Product name: **Prototype #DD0174 “A Grow-er And A Show-er”

**Colour:** Opaque. Deep turquoise.

**Length:** 7.5” (excluding grip) increasing to maximum 8.5”

**Girth:** 4.8” increasing to maximum 5.3”

**Flexibility:** Slightly springy

**Usage report:** Inserted to minimal discomfort following manual preparation (full cleanse, lubrication, and digital stretching). Upon activation, continuous vibrations last approximately seven minutes before expansion and lengthening of dildo (time to maximum extension: three minutes). Maximum extension combined with maximum vibration for 90 seconds resulted in orgasm (duration approx. 60 seconds) and ejaculation (average: approx 1 tsp with distance of 55 - 60 cm (crotch to lower lip)).

Dear Tester #394,

Welllllll....

That was somewhat more <strike>explicit</strike> technical than I was expecting. Could you maybe make a bit more personal next time?

Cheers,

WWW QAM

P.S. A full minute. Impressive 

QAM,

Please accept my utmost apologies, I had incorrectly assumed there was some sort of quantitative measurements and scientific rigour being applied to this experimentation. Find enclosed my _qualitative_ assessment of #DD0175 “Bang On Target”.

#394

My dearest Quality Assurance Manager, 

I absolutely must share news of my latest happenings, I had simply the most wonderful experience only yesterday morn. 

The clocks had not yet chimed ten, when this titillating tale begins. My silver orbs, which — as you know, are the colour of moonlight reflecting on the shore of a deserted Hellenic islet — couldn’t believe the extravagant delights that lay before me. Delivered by a majestic tawny owl to my boudoir window, the simple brown paper package tied up with string belied the sheer elegance of the gift that lay within. Nestled securely in a bed of cerise tissue paper lay the most elegant dildo, I ever did see. The royal purple of the long, smooth shaft was augmented and enhanced with the luxurious golden buttons; one for speed, one for intensity, both for me.

Its beauty and presence stole my patience, I couldn’t wait but a moment longer, and so there and then — although it was only mid-morning and elevenses would simply have to be skipped for the day — I slowly unbuttoned my classically fashionable robes and let them pool on the floor, the charcoal and emerald pinstriped silk landing with the gentlest of whooshes. I allowed my fingers to tweak my dusky nipples into pert nubs and then ran my hands down my hairless chest to where, prepared as I am for every situation, I had no underpants to further delay my pleasure.

My flushed member, as pink as cherry blossom, and just a little darker at the head, had been at half-mast since the owl had departed. Now, with the promise of an enjoyable morning ahead, I licked my lips, running the tip of my tongue along my Cupid’s bow and with my long elegant fingers around my most gentlemanly of appendages, I brought myself to full hardness.

Moving now to my bed, I laid myself atop of my deep navy silk sheets; above me the alabaster ceiling was a perfect match for my smooth unblemished skin. My sleek platinum blond hair fanned out like a halo on my tasseled throw pillow as I pulled my long, shapely legs up to my chest and let my knees fall to the bedspread exposing my tight but inviting rosebud. From my hand-carved mahogany bedside table I took my favourite bottle of oil, a bespoke blend of bergamot and cedar, and allowed a thin rivulet to pool in the palm of my hand. I tickled my coin purse slowly with my slickened hand before allowing my perfectly manicured finger to drift over my most sensitive of spots to my hidden entrance. 

I allowed my mind to drift, to think of the person, the man, who would give me such extravagances. He could only be my other half, the sun to my moon, the lithe to my lean, the John The Baptist to my Asmodeus. 

With my clean hand I lifted my prize from its wrapping, holding it this close I could see it was perfect. With the length of the most eligible bachelor and pleasingly girthsome, I could only salivate at such a veritable treat. With a liberal coating of the citrusy slick, there was only one thing for it. I allowed the tumescent head to push gently at my moistened entrance before, with one thrust, it filled me right up and with a flick of the switch it buzzed to life. It led me on quite the merry dance, until I was quickstepping across the pleasure/pain to a tune only I could hear. I felt myself bloom and moved onto the second course. 

Although hidden between my milk-white thighs I could feel second the golden button that, once flicked, would take me deeper into my own decadence. With a satisfying click it did just that, setting a gentle pulsing rhythm. The beats staccato-ed up and down the length, until, with a spark of magic missing from even the most sophisticated of muggle designs, it fell upon that precious spot deep inside and fixed itself there. Having found what it was looking for, without not one whit from me, the turgid rod intensified its ferocity until my denouement.

Glowing, I laid back as I eased the delightful member from my tender garden; powerful stripes drying on my chest, evidence of a job well and truly done. Although I was exhausted, it was not and would happily have carried me away for the remainder of the day, had I not had luncheon plans.

There will always be tomorrow.

Yours, and only yours, 

_Tester #394_

Okay, you dick, just fill in the form.

WWW Product Review (Adult)

Let us measure your pleasure

**Tester: **#394  
**Product: **#BP0032 “Homecoming”  
**Product Description :**Stainless steel butt plug. 2.3” wide by 4.2” long. Weight: 2.4oz. Flared base. Activated with standard _Initium_ incantation.

| **Strongly Disagree** | **Disagree** | **Neutral** | **Agree** | **Strongly Agree**  
---|---|---|---|---|---  
I was excited to try this new WWW product | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ✔  
This product was of the standard I expect from WWW | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ✔ | ☐  
I would use this product again | ☐ | ☐ | ✔ | ☐ | ☐  
I would recommend this product to a friend or partner | ☐ | ☐ | ✔ | ☐ | ☐  
  
**Comments:**

You have to — and I cannot stress this enough — put all of the instructions on one page. I was halfway down Diagon running a couple of errands when it kicked in. I only found page two of the instructions after I’d cast _Initium_, stuck it up my arse, almost orgasmed right in the middle of Diagon **fucking** Alley, and had come like a horny teenager as soon as I'd apparated back into my flat. Didn't even get my trousers passed my knees. It's really quite important to know that I was supposed to be thinking about someone in particular when casting. You might want to lead with that instruction. 

And yes, I was thinking of Someone, when I cast, but not in an I’d-like-him-to-shove-this-up-my-arse way, just in the low-level everyday thinking about someone way you get when his face is in The Prophet every week despite doing absolutely nothing remotely newsworthy in at least the last five years. 

I'll concede the charm is genius and I can see a number of great uses for it, and, it certainly works. I have no doubt I was in the vicinity of Him when the heating charm activated, and I can assure you the temperature rose in more ways than one. Never have I been quite so flustered in front of <strike>Scarhead </strike>that particular individual, even if he didn’t see me.

Magical signature verified by _Celare_ under licence from PPP Charms Ltd.

You wore it in public? Without knowing what it did‽ How Gryffindorian.

If you weren’t thinking about the person intimately then the charm shouldn’t have worked. I’ll get the team to look at it again.

-QAM

P.S. Can I call you something other than Tester #394. It’s kinda impersonal for how, well, _personal _this is.

Dear Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes’ Quality Assurance Manager,

I suppose that given the circumstances, I could permit the use of more friendly _noms de plume_. Did you have any in particular in mind, or should we select our own? I should think to prefer to select my own; you may call me Opaleye. You shan’t, however, call me, or even insinuate the merest sliver of a hint of, “Gryffindorian” ever again, or this agreement will come to an abrupt end.

As we are now oh so personal, may I point out that not everything has to go up my arse. While I enjoy a good rogering as much as the next man, there’s more to gay sex than repeated insertion. You may wish to consider a range of items which avoid the genitals altogether, or failing that, something more cock-focussed?

Yours faithfully,

Opaleye

P.S. You don’t need to bother the team about the butt plug; being perfectly truthful, it is not uncommon that I think about that particular Someone <strike>watching me shove my fingers up my arse</strike> so it is feasible that that particular thought crept in as I cast.

Opaleye, like the dragon? Cool. I’ve seen a few dragons but never one of them, I’ve heard they’re beautiful.

I guess that means I need a name as well. How about Evan?

I know there’s more to gay sex than having things in your arse <strike>(I’m just a comfortable being the one putting things there)</strike> but I’ve taken on board your suggestion and so this one is for your cock. And because you didn’t read the instructions before, be warned this too has a mind of its own. It’s designed to loosen and tighten as the wearer needs it. Try not to think too hard about it as we did have an unfortunate tester have to get _diffendo-ed _ out of an early prototype when they got too excited. 

Yours,

Evan

WWW Product Review (Adult)

Let us measure your pleasure

**Tester: **#394  
**Product: **#CR0097 “Hold On Tight”  
**Product Description: **Black silicone cock ring with 2 mm ridges on inside. 

| **Strongly Disagree** | **Disagree** | **Neutral** | **Agree** | **Strongly Agree**  
---|---|---|---|---|---  
I was excited to try this new WWW product | ☐ | ☐ | ✔ | ☐ | ☐  
This product was of the standard I expect from WWW | ✔ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐  
I would use this product again | ✔ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐  
I would recommend this product to a friend or partner | ✔ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐  
  
**Comments:**

**_Completely___**__ defective. __

____

I’m not what you’d call a newcomer to an old fashioned cock ring, and so I slipped this one on before heading out for a particularly banal obligation hoping that the surreptitious stimulation would keep me amused throughout the evening. The ring seemed to work well and held my parts securely even as I tumbled over a particularly turbulent floo connection. It held up through several hours of my feigned politeness, keeping me just distracted enough to let my parents' thinly veiled barbs about my lack of a wife pass. _"Homosexuality is no excuse not to take a wife, a gentleman can always have a back alley dalliance if needs must." _

Alas, it was not to last. 

As I excused myself following a particularly nightmarish talk on the perils of mixed-blood marriages with from my father, I felt it slide loose. The only saving grace being my choice of sinfully tight ankle-grazers under my robes preventing it from landing squarely in the middle of the semi-formal drawing room. 

Clearly the deranged bigoted rantings of a Death Eater can make me softer than even a WWW cockring can salvage. 

__Magical signature verified by _Celare_ under licence from PPP Charms Ltd.__

__  
__  


Dear Opaleye, 

I’m sorry to hear that; families can be difficult. I’ve found that a spot of chocolate helps me feel better. Maybe these will work for you too?

Yours,

Evan

P.S. Hope you didn’t let those sinfully tight trousers go to waste!

Oh Evan, it’s like you know me so well. Salted caramel cocks were just what the Healer ordered.

-O

P.S. I did, in fact, take them out for a spot of dancing that evening. Had all the boys trying to get into them — ‘trying’ being the operative word.

WWW Product Review (Adult)

Let us measure your pleasure

**Tester: **#394  
**Product**#FD0002 “Even money”  
**Product Description: **Two acrylic hexahedrons (semi-transparent, emerald colour) imprinted with simple imagery and words highlighted in gold.

| **Strongly Disagree** | **Disagree** | **Neutral** | **Agree** | **Strongly Agree**  
---|---|---|---|---|---  
I was excited to try this new WWW product | ☐ | ☐ | ✔ | ☐ | ☐  
This product was of the standard I expect from WWW | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ✔ | ☐  
I would use this product again | ☐ | ☐ | ✔ | ☐ | ☐  
I would recommend this product to a friend or partner | ☐ | ☐ | ✔ | ☐ | ☐  
  
**Comments:**

Works well in theory but a pointless product for us singletons, what am I supposed to do? I can’t exactly suck myself off. 

Also, I’m no statistician but I’m certain the odds of me rolling seventeen “wank/left-hand” combinations in a row are astronomically slim.

Magical signature verified by _Celare_ under licence from PPP Charms Ltd.

Dear Opaleye,

Do you ever read the instructions or do you just throw yourself in like a <strike>Gryff</strike> idiot?

The dice moderate to find whatever activity will be most appealing and consensual to all players. I presume you had a satisfactory southpaw wank?

Yours,

Evan

Please. I’m equally talented with both.

-O

WWW Product Review (Adult)

Let us measure your pleasure

**Tester: **#394  
**Product: **#PN00124 “Dream A Little Dream Of Me”  
**Product Description: **3 fl oz of thick liquid (approximate fluidity of egg white). Pale yellow in colour with strong odour. Presented in nondescript cylindrical phial stoppered with cork.

| **Strongly Disagree** | **Disagree** | **Neutral** | **Agree** | **Strongly Agree**  
---|---|---|---|---|---  
I was excited to try this new WWW product | ✔ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐  
This product was of the standard I expect from WWW | ✔ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐  
I would use this product again | ✔ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐  
I would recommend this product to a friend or partner | _Not even to my nemesis_ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐  
  
**Comments:**

NO.

Magical signature verified by _Celare_ under licence from PPP Charms Ltd.

WWW Product Review (Adult)

Let us measure your pleasure

**Tester: **#394  
**Product: **#PN00124b “Dream A Little Dream Of Me (Version 2)”  
**Product Description: **3 fl oz. Fluidity of spring water. Pale pink in colour with minimal odour. Presented in nondescript cylindrical phial stoppered with cork. 

| **Strongly Disagree** | **Disagree** | **Neutral** | **Agree** | **Strongly Agree**  
---|---|---|---|---|---  
I was excited to try this new WWW product | ☐ | ✔ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐  
This product was of the standard I expect from WWW | ✔ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐  
I would use this product again | ✔ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐  
I would recommend this product to a friend or partner | ✔ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐  
  
**Comments:**

Peppermint is definitely an improvement on, what was that flavour of the first batch, Groundskeeper’s feet? But I have to ask, are the WWW coffers really so low that you’re cutting corners? You need to understand that despite what Witch Weekly would have you believe, not everyone wishes the scar-headed Saviour of the Wizarding World were their soulmate. If you are going to sell this as a soulmate potion then it needs to show your soulmate.

May it be easier to just brand this as The Boy Who Lived daydream potion? Even those of us with little tolerance for his allround do-gooderiness, his penchant for saving people, and his righteous indignation at whatever cause célèbre is political flavour of the week can admit that his appearance with an oversized golden snitch (and nothing else) for last year’s War Orphans' charity calendar would be welcome all year round. But don’t try to delude us into thinking that The Boy Who Lived could ever be our soulmate. That’s just not fair.

Magical signature verified by _Celare_ under licence from PPP Charms Ltd.

Hi

This one’s from the latest batch - version three. Same peppermint flavour, but hopefully the action is a bit more to your liking. I’ve tested it myself and can assure you that it very much isn’t a Potter special. 

Evan

_(Okay, I don’t think it’s really soulmates – I don’t think I even believe in the idea of them – but it’s definitely someone you fancy. Trust me. Try ignoring their attitude and focus on their arse, or cock, or pointy chin. Whatever does it for you.)_

Re: #PN00124c 

It works.

-O

Care to elaborate?

No.  
Just send the next item.

WWW Product Review (Adult)

Let us measure your pleasure

**Tester: **#394  
**Product: **#FF56239 “The Five Times…”  
**Product Description: **Saddle-stitched booklet, recycled paper (slightly off white), black text. No illustrations. Circa 20,000 words. Rated E.

| **Strongly Disagree** | **Disagree** | **Neutral** | **Agree** | **Strongly Agree**  
---|---|---|---|---|---  
I was excited to try this new WWW product | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ✔ | ☐  
This product was of the standard I expect from WWW | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ✔ | ☐  
I would use this product again | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ✔  
I would recommend this product to a friend or partner | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ✔  
  
**Comments:**

I didn’t hold out much hope for this one. A book? Who’s your target market? Ravenclaws? Madam Pince? Hermione Granger‽ (Although I have to believe that, like Pince, the Granger-Weasleys lead a celibate life because that’s a image my delicate sensibilities simply cannot handle). 

But it’s not just a book is it?

Very sneaky, I must admit, there must be a little Slytherin in you <strike>if not would you like one</strike>. I didn’t catch it at first, but it’s there, isn’t it? The lightest hint of a compulsion charm, just enough to push you to rub one out just as the handsome aristobrat gets his arse well and truly eaten by the dishevelled hero . Had I realised I possibly wouldn’t have sat out on my balcony overlooking the communal courtyard to read. <strike>Who am I kidding, I absolutely would have, and will likely do again. The twink across the way loves it.</strike>

Magical signature verified by _Celare_ under licence from PPP Charms Ltd.

Dear Opaleye,

Compulsion charms are illegal, even very light ones. WWW’s stock is all completely and utterly above board. It’s just good writing. Even I like the story, and I’m hardly the library-est of people. There's just something about how the pair of them hate each other but they don’t, not really. You know? And the bratty heir who is actually a big softy underneath it all totally sounds like my cup of tea, if only he were real.

We’ve got a dozen or so more stories almost ready if you or your twink are interested? There might be some spelling and grammar mistakes but the <strike>porn</strike> plot is all there. How about where they’re stuck in a house in the middle of nowhere and there’s only one bed? Or one where they are roommates? I read that one last night, they weren't even wizards! And then in one that came in this morning, they're enemies but have to pretend to date each other? Sounds amazing! I’ve not had a chance to read it yet, but if it’s like the rest, well, ‘nuff said.

Yours, 

Evan

P.S. And yes, for my own sanity I have to believe the Granger-Weasleys have done nothing more risqué than hold hands when my back is turned.

Evan,

Yes. All of them. Now. Please.

Have you thought about having the stories read aloud? Maybe get some minor celebrity to narrate. I’m sure I heard somewhere that Harry Potter still has something to do with your company? I could listen to him talk about rimming all night.

-O

P.S. And he’s not my twink (nor do I have any intention of making him so). <strike>I’ve come to realise there's someone else I’d rather have watch (or watch) as the mood takes</strike>

P.P.S. Hand holding? I shudder at the very thought.

Dear Opaleye

If rumours are to be believed then Harry Potter would do more than _talk_ about rimming all night.

So you’re still single? <strike>That’s good to hear.</strike>

Okay, this product is a little different, it too big to send by owl, and, well, it needs another tester… me to be exact. I need to test this product and it requires another participant to... well, it needs someone to enjoy themselves while being watched and, you like that, right? Being watched, I mean. You wouldn't see me and I couldn't tell anyone about it (well not unless you wanted me to), so would you think about it?

If you’re interested I’ll owl you a floo address.

Yours,

Evan

I'm in.

WWW Product Review (Adult)

Let us measure your pleasure

**Tester: **Draco Malfoy  
**Product: **#HP0001 “Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes’ Quality Assurance Manager and his invisibility cloak”  
**Product Description:**5’ 9”, lightly muscled, dusting of dark hair across chest, fine arse. Noticeable cosmetic damage to forehead.

| **Strongly Disagree** | **Disagree** | **Neutral** | **Agree** | **Strongly Agree**  
---|---|---|---|---|---  
I was excited to try this new WWW product | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ✔  
This product was of the standard I expect from WWW | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ✔  
I would use this product again | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ✔  
I would recommend this product to a friend or partner | I don’t share | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐  
  
**Comments:**

Despite being sold as for voyeurs/exhibitionists. Much more of a hands-on demo than expected. (My hands on his arse, to be precise.)

I'm not complaining.

Magical signature verified by _Celare_ under licence from PPP Charms Ltd.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading and viewing! Please support the author by clicking on the kudos button and leaving a comment below! ♥


End file.
